Feeling Guilty About Not Working

February 7th, 2010 | Posted by jasonmckinnon in Design | Filmmaking | Screenwriting | Web

Last week, I slept in…

With a limited amount of time to come up with a post that day, I decided to talk about that very thing. (Read the post here) I must have really needed an extended sleep that night. As I wrote the post, it occured to me that something was missing. I couldn’t figure it out at first but then I finally realized that what was missing was the feeling of guilt.

I knew I wasn’t going to be overly productive that day and normally, I’d feel terrible and anxious about the lack of progress but that day was different because I’ve mastered my time and schedule.

In short… I win.

My career in television involves long hours and late nights. I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I love my job but sometimes, it can get in the way of the giant list of projects waiting for me at home. In the past, there were always instances where weeks would go by and I wouldn’t write a word or photoshop would remain dormant. Stretches when editing was put off in favor of one more hour of sleep and revisions were delayed because I just wanted to watch TV.

What killed me was how guilty I felt about not working. I felt like I had lost my passion for writing, films and design.

I’m an extremely laid back person. I’m rarely angry and the only thing that REALLY frustrates me is tangled chords. (I’m not even kidding, I can’t stand it.) Yet I always get agitated when too much time passes without satisfying my need to be creative beyond my day to day career. It’s an addiction that needs to be fed. I have to be productive or face the inevitable feeling of misery I despise.

I dealt with this guilt for 2 years. When we finished Playing Through last summer, I decided it was time to take a break from it all. I wanted a chance to regroup and focus on myself for a while. My plan was simple. I basically eliminated the deadlines and took the pressure off for a few months. I went on a trip, I bought concert tickets, I had fun and eventually I stopped feeling guilty.

Now, recharged and full of energy, I started working again but there were some stipulations I set up for myself.

Take control of your daily routine.

I determined a good amount of work to do every day and stuck to it. I think everyone has a limit and I had discovered mine. I was no longer willing to lose entire days catching up on work.

Instead of putting things off and then rushing at the last minute, I now work a few hours every morning and I’m way ahead of the game.

I make lists of things I need to accomplish each week and tackle one per day instead of the entire list at once.

Guilt free social human being type stuff.

This new plan of attack was worth it because I finally killed the workaholic inside of me and increased my productivity. The result of this glorious plan was a new found dedication to screenwriting, 3 new websites including this blog and a ton of free time for guilt free social human being type stuff. We’re now producing two films at once and yet I still find myself with free time to have fun. I’m working on a new feature script while developping 3 separate shorts and yet I’m still able to enjoy a night off.

I think I felt guilty because I wasn’t in control and so the work became heavier and heavier top bear. I’ll never go back to the workaholic slash guilt fest I used to be. I’m more productive now than I ever was and not only has my passion has returned but it has doubled in intensity.

Most of all, the guilt is gone.

PS: I don’t miss it.